Sunday, January 04, 2004

January 2003 In Review

~ Because I'd have to be an idiot to review such a shitty year all at once ~

Highlights of this month, last year:

Happy New Year! Goodbye 2002, Hello 2003!

  • I wake up, hear a noise in the bathroom, and find Patrick Duffy in the shower. "Who is the President of the United States!" I demand, shaking him violently.
    "Al Gore. Why?"
    It was all a dream! Huzzah!
    I wake up, again, this time in a puddle of my own vomit. I see a newspaper on the floor displaying a picture that looks more or less like this. I start looking for more whisky.

  • 8:52 PM EST 1/1/03: Glenn Reynolds tells his first lie of the year: "Abortion and cloning. Two reasons why I'm not a Republican." Ha ha ha. And I don't want to feed Matt Drudge his own stupid hat.

  • President Bush suggests that someone literally drill a hole through the middle of the Federal Budget, give him a jar of vaseline, and hold all his calls for a few hours. Low-level staffer suggests $600 billion in tax cuts, arguing that the practical effect will be the same, and will reduce the chances of an embarrassing photograph. Bush agrees, begins raising stink about corporate dividends being "taxed twice." I say something that rhymes with "shuck gorge tush" everytime I pay sales tax. Donald Rumsfeld asks to "borrow" Federal Budget.

  • National Institute of Health announces intention to build facility for retired research chimpanzees. NIH officials swear that there will be no more escapes, all concerned having learned their lesson the last time.

  • Steve Case resigns from AOL/TimeWarner, laughs at America, lights a cigar by focusing the sun's rays with a diamond the size of an egg, goes off to have sex on top of a pile of money.

  • Arianna Huffington starts a campaign against SUVs, which has the unanticipated effect of turning SUVs into a symbol of freedom and patriotism for idiot Right-wingers. Figuring it's worth a shot, I write to Arianna suggesting she run ads denouncing the practice of sticking pencils in your own eye.

  • Joe Lieberman announces his candidacy for President of the United States. Those in attendence can hear the faint sound of people in 2004 laughing at him.

  • Stemming the negro tide that threatens to engulf Ann Arbor becomes a White House priority. White kids with mediocre ACT scores rejoice.

  • PROOF OF SADDAM'S WMD!!! Ha ha! Just kidding.

  • France threatens to veto military action in Iraq, subjecting me to a year of idiot bullshit about French plans to a) control the EU b) control Earth c) steal our women d) nuke us or e) all of the above.

  • Media throws spotlight on mislabelling of boxes made in China as "made in USA", ignores mislabelling of idiot as "President."

  • The Department of Homeland Security, a massive government bureaucracy encompassing hundreds of federal agencies, officially comes into being; pro-Bush libertarians are unsure whether they should orgasm or kill themselves. Being a nice guy, I suggest they do both.

  • Through the US Forest Service, the Bush Administration tries out a tactic used to greater effect later in the year: Cut down the trees to protect the forests. I suggest a similar method of protecting Andrew Sullivan.

  • Nelson Mandella says unkind things about President Bush, allowing Bush's supporters to say all manner of nasty things about Mandella that they previously were unable to say because he's, you know, a fucking hero. If Nelson Mandella knew anything about tyrannical oppression, he would support the liberation of Iraq.

  • President Bush delivers State of the Union Address. Doesn't trip on way up to podium, therefore speech is deemed a success by people who should know better.

And that was just January. Happy New Year!

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