Monday, September 29, 2003

TMRM Returns

Tonight's the night.

Bears vs. Packers at Soldier Field. Kickoff at 9:00 pm EDT.

Game commentary (and then regular commentary/mockery/nonsense) after the game.

Until then, Bears vs. Packers bullet point (singular, as there is one specific thing that makes me want to tear my hair out and set myself on fire):

  • Watch Bears right tackle Aaron Gibson. What do you notice? For one, he is fat. Incredibly fat. As in, never-stand-in-his-shadow-because-he-could-have-a-heart-attack-and-fall-on-you fat. But hey, he's an offensive lineman- he's supposed to be huge. Unfortunately, it appears that his fighting weight of 375 (reached after dieting and losing 30-60 pounds) is a bit too much for him to handle. Watch his stance on the line. It's subtly different on run plays from his stance on pass plays. I'm assuming that this is because his girth prevents him from properly performing both kinds of block from a single stance. But really, the reason doesn't matter. The point is, HIS STANCE ON RUN PLAYS AND PASSING PLAYS IS NOT THE SAME. The Bears' head coach might as well hold a neon sign above his head on every down informing the defense whether they should expect the run or the pass.

    Hopefully, after two weeks of watching game film, the coaching staff realized this problem and took appropriate steps (my favored solution is running a light scrimmage, and hitting Gibson with a baseball bat every time the defense can tell what kind of play is about to be run). If not, enjoy the sight of Kordell Stewart doing his damnedest to not be killed, because if the first two games are any indication, there will be an average of two defenders in the backfield within a second of the snap on virtually every play.

Edit: I was wrong. Gibson does not weigh 375 after losing 30-60 pounds. He weighs 375 after losing 70 pounds. Fucking hell. Are there any slow-moving sideline reporters that have gone missing recently? Because I think I know who we should X-ray in order to find them.

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