Monday, February 17, 2003

Mr. Nettle Would Not Be Pleased

My favorite talk radio host has disappointed me today.

Michael Savage, the official mascot of this site, was doing his thing this evening, comparing me to vermin and informing me about how much I hate America. This was all well and good. But then, while talking about his book ("Number One. Number One. Number One."), he got my hopes up. "I'm a highly literate man. I'm a very good writer. A very good writer," he told me.

"Well, hell!" I said to myself, "I like good writers!"

I immediately raced out to Barnes & Noble, hoping to broaden my literary horizons. Self improvement is a good thing.

I ran in, grabbed a copy of The Savage Nation, and sat down, preparing to learn something.

My friends, I swear to you upon all I hold dear, the very first page I opened to, the first page of chapter two, began thusly: "The future of America hangs in the balance like a loose tooth."

I could feel my heart breaking.

"Jesus God," I thought. "Doesn't [Savage Nation publisher] WorldNet Daily have editors?"

I mean, couldn't they at least pay some guy minimum wage to say, "Hey, um...Mike? You know, this is a really, really, bad simile."

I don't claim to be the Shakespeare of my time. I don't claim to be God's gift to readers everywhere. I try to write competently, and leave to others to decide if I am good or not.

But I do know that Mr. Nettle, my seventh grade English teacher, would have beat me senseless with a ruler -- and damn the law -- if I had ever written a sentence as poor as that one.

I will not even stoop to discuss Mike's fondness for the term "Turd World Nation."

So, Mikey, two points for self-promotion, but five demerits for not being able to back it up.

I am crushed.

No comments: