Monday, August 11, 2003

If The Almighty Ever Decides To Grant Me All Of His Powers, I Shall Drop A Big Rock On Brett Favre

~In which we discover The Mighty Reason Man's hometown~

As some of you may have noticed, I have been rather cagey here on VVH about disclosing where it is, exactly, that I'm from. A handful of alert readers have probably figured it out based upon a few references here and there, but for the most part, my origin -- like Batman's -- is shrouded in mystery.

The reason behind my reluctance to disclose this information is somewhat unclear, even to me. It just seems like bad policy to give out all sorts of random information about yourself online. Most of us, I think, would be surprised by how much information can be pieced together about any given person just by performing a few google searches - and as any William Gibson/Bruce Sterling reader knows, there are all sorts of nefarious ends towards which even the most innocuous-seeming digital information can be used.

If that sounds excessively paranoid, don't worry; my varied and murky reasons for geographical anonymity had more to do with allowing everyone to think that I'm from their own state -- and therefore somewhat more interesting than some guy half a continent away -- than with fears of having my dog killed by vengeful Republicans.

But with the commencement of the NFL preseason, I feel it is both necessary and proper to inform anyone who happens across VeryVeryHappy that they are going to get their asses stomped by My Boys this year- and that certainly wouldn't be any fun if no one knew who My Boys are.

And so, at the risk of exposing myself to the predations of real-world versions of the Dixie Flatline, I humbly announce that I have lived in and around Chicago my entire life, and Da Bears march with God at their side.

So, for all you non-Bears fans (especially you NFC types), why is it that every time you consult your Ouiji board lately, it keeps spelling out "F-E-A-R-T-H-E-U-R-S-I-N-E"?

I'll tell you why. Simple math:

1. Brian Urlacher + healthy Ted Washington + healthy Keith Traylor = No Run For You.

2. Rookie of the Year + horrendous sophomore slump = a pissed off Anthony Thomas willing to take his anger out on your defense (I'm looking at you, Green Bay - especially now that there's going to be a Gilbert Brown-sized hole in your front line)

3. Bears - shitty third-rate QBs + Kordell Stewart = an offense with both running and passing (which, incidentally, won't be nearly as easy to crowd in on given Kordell's running ability)

4. Bears - 2 hour drive to Champaign for home games + renovated Soldier Field = Hometown Karma (applause to Mayor Daley for refusing to allow those bastard McCaskeys to sell the naming rights to Soldier Field; "Charles Schwab Stadium" or some such bullshit would most assuredly have caused God to rain the Holy Cleansing Fire down upon the Windy City, and everyone in the suburbs would be turned into a pillar of salt)

5. Michael Haynes + Richard Dent as Assistant Defensive Line Coach = an indentation in the turf the size of your quarterback's ass

6. McQuarters/Azumah/Brown + Tillman = a secondary with a bit of depth, finally.

7. Da Bears = Great

8. The rest of the league = Losers

Any questions?

Sidenote: Keep in mind that just because you know my hometown and most of my associated sports loyalties, doesn't mean you know in which state I currently reside...

Ho ho.

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