TMRM: Political Consultant At Large

All day yesterday, I was bombarded with the message that the economic meltdown is favorable to Obama in that it confirms essentially everything he's ever said about regulation while simultaneously making McCain scramble to explain his belief in phlogiston radical deregulation.

"HOWEVER," say the pundits, "Obama needs a catchy slogan like Bill Clinton's 'It's The Economy, Stupid.'" After all, it is not possible to win a campaign if you assume your audience can read.

Myself, I think it would be possible to get by without catchy slogans if it didn't require Meredith Vieira's hard hitting journalistic instincts to ask John McCain about Carly Fiorina's severence package. I've been screaming at my television about Fiorina's $40 million 'fuck you' to HP shareholders every time McCain mentions CEO greed and golden parachutes, and it's Meredith Vieira that manages to actually ask him about it? Well, props to her, and a big middle finger to the 60 Minutes crew for their Sunday "fair and balanced" piece on McCain and Obama.

But screw it. You get the journalistic establishment you're dealt, so catchy slogans it is.

New Obama economic message: All Looters Will Be Fired On Sight.

Think about it. You know I'm right.

All Our Houses Are Belong To The Government

On the plus side, does that mean that if John McCain wins, he'll keep those damn kids off my lawn too?

LASERS! FROM SPACE!

Is anyone else puzzled by the fact that Bob Woodward's¹ tales of a military killing technology that he would "compare...to the Manhattan Project" and is supposedly responsible for most of the drop in violence in Iraq is not getting more comment than it is?

That sound, by the way, is from all the conspiracy theorists in the country simultaneously shitting themselves.

¹ Washington-based journalist with reputation for making far-fetched claims about Presidents.

Memory Lane

This reminds of the (metaphorical) conversation I had with Metallica in the spring of 2000.

Me: Hey, Metallica, I love your music, own almost all your albums, and this new Napster thing seems like a cool way to find the few tracks I didn't know existed! You guys are great!

Metallica: Fuck you.

Me: Fuck me? No, fuck you.

[a few years pass]

Metallica: Here's Saint Anger, our great new album!

Me: Who the hell are you?

TMRM: Political Consultant To The Stars

Listen up, Guv'nors. Suffering from low popularity? The people of your state gathering on the lawn of the capitol, pitchforks in hand? Don't you worry about, I've got you covered. With my simple 3 point plan, you'll soon be the most popular guy/gal your state has ever known!

1. Find oil.^*

2. Tax the profits of whichever company pumps the oil.

3. Use that money to cut everyone in your state a $1200 check.

The best part of it is, this plan can almost certainly be massively scaled-up to work on a national level, should you ever set your sights on, oh I don't know, the Vice Presidency, maybe?


* Important.

You're Welcome

It seems that the Obama campaign has decided to take me up on the advice that the Kerry campaign ignored.

When he wins, don't bother with a high level political appointment; a check with lots of zeroes in it will do just fine.

Happy to be of assistance, call for further advice.

The Same Shall Devolve

~Simple Version~

Vice President.

Who?

Hillary?

No.

Facts:

Three major groups kept Hillary afloat past sell-by date: 1) appalachian white working class, 2) diehard oldschool feminists, 3) top Democratic fundraisers.

Reason Clinton doesn't help, by group:

1) Still a black guy on the ticket

2) Women not having to accept second place kind of the point of voting for Hillary.

3) Fuck them.

More facts:

Republicans hate Hillary more than Karl Marx. Thought of voting against Hillary only thing keeping many from forming their own polygamist sects where they can sit out the Obama years.

Having avoided the danger of being used as negative examples for schoolchildren in thirty years on every President Hillary Day, media will remember that they actually hate the Clintons.

Result:

Putting Hillary on the ticket saddles Obama with all of her substantial baggage while adding only a marginal portion of her advantages at best.

Conclusion:

Hutton for VP.

Edroso for Secretary of the Interior.