The First Presidential Debate (cue appropriately reverential noises)

Because newstickers and various other overlays during major events annoy me, I'm wtching this on C-SPAN. Besides, CNN won't show you amusing footage of Jim Lehrer immitating the warnings in movie theaters to shut off cellphones, pagers, and to kick out crying babies.

1 minute to air. Fantastic.

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By the way, I've decided that at the end of this thing, I will rate Kerry's advisors as either "smart" or "not smart" (or, possibly "complete and utter dipshits") based on Kerry's performance.

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Bush: "I don't think [another terrorist attack] is going to happen, because the American people know I'm a great leader"

Does this mean that because I think he's a goddawful leader, I'm participating in a terrorist act?


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Kerry: "Beofre I answer..." let me suck up to the audience.

NO! Goddamnit, John.

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LEt us all note that Bush has spoken for thirty seconds and has already emitted two audible sighs. I remember Gore being taken to task for that...do they not count when they are sighs of "Oh shit, I'm blanking already!" rather than "I cannot believe I'm onstage with this idiot"?

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Bush is already speaking like he's on the defensive. Is that giddiness I feel welling up inside me?

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"What colossoal misjudgements do you think the President has made?" Kerry: "Well, where do you want me to begin?" Not funny enough to offset the snottiness. Bad John.

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Bush: "My opponent looked at the same intelligence I looked at." Not unless a US Senator has all the security clearances that the President does. In fact, don't I remember the administration using a number of variations on "trust us, we KNOW things" before the war began?

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Bush: "Allawi is a strong leader..." Somewhere, Augusto Pinochet is laughing.

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Kerry: Body armor and Humvees without armor...excellent. Hit him where he hurts, the supporting the troops thing, and placing blame for it directly where it belongs- on the guy who sent them without what they needed.

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Second time Bush has mentioned Kerry's vote for the authorization of force before his current opposition to the war.

Dear John,

Why the FUCK are you not quoting your own reasons for voting for the use of force resolution - you know, the ones you gave at the time? The whole damn issue can be laid to rest by a clear answer right now....what is wrong with you?

Love,

TMRM

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"At the current pace, the current President will not secure Russia's nuclear material for 13 years." Excellent soundbite. Good John.

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Bush: "Like a huge tax gap...but...anyway...that's another debate."

Translated for your convenience: "Dammit Wrong gear! Shift! Shift dammit!"

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Kerry: "We didn't need that tax cut, America needed to be kept safe."

THAT is a nice kick to the nuts. Good John.

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Kerry: quoting Daddy Bush to kick Junior's legs out from under him (a passage that sounds eerily prophetic, by the way). Good John. Good good John.

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Bush: "What kind of message does this give to our troops..." This formulation is getting real, real old.

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There's that explanation for the authorization of force vote. Plus a Shinseki reference. The young Senator might be able to pull this off after all.

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Bush: "I know how these people think." Like Putin?

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Am I the only one who things Bush actually sounds whiny?

Bush: "Well, actually, you forgot Poland." Jesus. I thought he was going to yell booyah after he said that.

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I see the President is still under the impression that the resistance in Iraq is being carried out primarily by Saddam loyalists. That whole flap about Bush claiming to not read newspapers a few months ago is looming rather large in my head right now.

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Holy hell...the camera needs to pan to Bush when Kerry is speaking...the shot I just saw showed Bush puffing his lips like a damn blowfish....what the fuck kind of nervous tick is that?

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Bush: "He looked at the very same intelligence I did." This again.

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Kerry: "I've had one consistent position thoughout...that Saddam Hussein was a threat, and there was a right way to take care of him, and a wrong way. The President chose the wrong way."

I want to have sex with whoever taught Kerry about good soundbites.

Bush: "The only thing my opponent has been consistent about is...inconsistency."

Ha! I also want to have sex with whichever idiot taught Bush about soundbites. I think I hear the 5th grader next door laughing at Bush for having lame comebacks.

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Bush: "Kerry's campaign alleged that Prime Minister Allawi is a puppet! That's no way to treat someone who's noble and brave!" I have to admit, I laughed out loud at that one. I'll be using that myself.

"You're an asshole, Christian."

"That's no way to treat someone who's noble and brave!"

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God be praised. Kerry is kicking Bush's ass with a quickness.

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Ooh...bad Kerry. No mention Kyoto. Not worth rehashing that shit right now. More important things to do.

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Bush: "I wouldn't want to join the International Criminal Court.." George, is it really a good idea for the President that brought us Abu Ghraib to poohpooh on a court that is supposed to be dedicated to prosecuting human rights violations? I mean, I don't know if the ICC is something we should be a part of, but I DO know that you're in no position to make that judgement.

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Bush: "The breach, by the way, was not on plutonium, it was on highly enriched uranium!"

I'll say it for him: BOOYAH, bitch!

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Bush: "It was not my administration that put sanctions on Iran. That happened...long ago."

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

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Kerry: "I'm not going to talk about differences of character; that's not my job, that's not my business." Swing voters who honestly --honestly -- are undecided will love that one; it's a repudiation of the negative campaign bullshit we're all sick of. Excellent work, John.

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Greatest threat to the United States -

Kerry: "Nuclear proliferation. Nuclear proliferation." Very forceful there. I can't think of a better way to answer that question. And Bush is left making excuses.

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Did Bush just say he busted the AQ Khan network? Which of our jails is Khan in?

Oh, that's right. He's still free in Pakistan.

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Thank you, Jim Lehrer, for mentioning Putin, and Bush's previously stated judgement of him. Here's an interesting qeustion: If Bush misjudged Putin, might he be now misjudging Allawi? (we shall, for now, ignore the fact that Allawi is more likely than not, with all due respect, a fucking puppet).

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Bush: "Oh, I'm a pretty calm guy." Damn. He's melting down. Rove must be praising Lucifer that the debate is almost over.

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Closing:

Kerry: America is great, and with me in charge we will become greater.

Bush: Vote for me or you're fucked.

Fantastic.

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Jenna and Barbera onstage post-debate:

Ah, so that's what a "My daddy just got his ass whupped bad" expression looks like.

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Aaaaaaand, we're done.

Kerry's advisor rating: Smart! My God, smart!

Bush's advisor rating: Dumb! Thank God, dumb! And going to hell, for trying to get him re-elected, but that kind of judgement is outside the mandate of VeryVeryHappy (for now...).

End liveblogging. Go to bed.