Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Blogatrol: Booster Shot

~ In which we inoculate ourselves against dumbfuckery by observing the distilled essence of prominent Rightwing bloggers ~


THE MEDIA'S WAR ON THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION continues unabated. Recent events have combined with the media's anti-Bush agenda to paint a misleadingly dark picture of Iraq. If you received all your news from CNN, MSNBC, CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox News, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Times, The Army Times, The Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun-Times, USA Today, the Sacremento Bee, the San Jose Mercury News, The Orlando Sentinel, The Detroit Free Press, The Detroit News, The Lansing State Journal, the Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Houston Chronicle, UPI, Reuters, or the Associated Press, you would be under the impression that things are pretty bleak in Iraq.

Fortunately, Michael Ubaldi has several blog posts explaining how good it actually is over there. Just keep scrolling.

posted at 05:23 PM by Glenn Reynolds

THE UN OIL-FOR-FOOD SCANDAL, in the eyes of serious observers, has completely discredited the United Nations leadership.

As well it should.

posted at 04:43 PM by Glenn Reynolds

THANKS TO PRESIDENT BUSH'S TAX CUTS, I was finally able to buy new blinds for the upstairs. This has made the InstaWife a diehard Bush supporter. Who says the tax cuts were only for the well-off? Something tells me most Democrats won't be celebrating the windfall.

posted at 04:36 PM by Glenn Reynolds

A LAW PROFESSOR EMAILS, telling me I should demand more than the $375 an hour I currently charge for consulting work. I'm not so sure; I only really do consulting work when I feel like it.

posted at 04:32 PM by Glenn Reynolds

JEFF JARVIS HAS SOME THOUGHTS on the lack of military expertise displayed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

He includes suggestions about how to remedy the problem.

(He also has a totally rockin' new CD coming out - stamped with the InstaWife's seal of approval!)

Read the whole thing.

posted at 04:25 PM by Glenn Reynolds

At the bar the other night, my girlfriends and I were talking about some of the law professors at our school (we attend a major southern university). One of them mentioned how she had heard that the most common injuries suffered by southern law professors are complications due to falls caused by tripping over their own larger-than-average penises. Who better to confirm or deny this than you?
Indeed. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've never had any problems maneuvering around my enormous cock, although there have been a few close calls. It's just something you learn to live with, although, like my synesthesia, it does allow me to focus on other problems while my tremendous wang completes mundane tasks.

Update: Another reader has a question as well:
I too have a monstrous johnson, as do most of my Republican friends. My liberal friends, on the other hand, refuse to talk to me when I ask them about it. This leads me to believe that they are, shall we say, light in the drawers. So, my question is, does Republicanism cause one's equipment to grow, or do people with massive schlongs naturally tend to be Republicans?
I don't think there is necessarily a causal relationship - after all, I am not a Republican, yet my gargantuan tool is, so far as I know, without equal.

Another Update: Alan Colmes emails:
First of all, big fan of your site. Hannity sent this to me, and I figured I'd add my two cents. While I'll grant you that conservative dick is quite a bit larger, on average, than liberal dick, it is important to bear in mind that size doesn't matter, so long as you know how to use it. Not that many of us do, I know, but still...
That's what they all say.

Yet Another Update: Tim Blair, on his website:
Having repeatedly licked The Professor's balls over the last two years, I am in a position to say that the hardest part of doing so is holding up his elephantine peter in order to keep it from flopping down on your head, causing a mild concussion.

Still More: This is getting out of hand. Virginia Postrel is demanding pictures. Lileks wants collectible porcelain figurines.

posted at 04:16 PM by Glenn Reynolds

THE ABU GHREIB SCANDAL, to the extent that anyone actually cares (the Arab press seems to have completely forgotten about it. Why hasn't our media, I wonder? Certainly not because they have an agenda!), is being used to try to discredit the US leadership.

This is, of course, a completely partisan ploy, and if certain parties aren't careful about overreacting, they could find November to be a very harsh month indeed.

posted at 02:58 PM by Glenn Reynolds

James Lileks:

I love my daughter.

I love my daughter, who is adorable.

I love Gnat, my daughter, because she is the sweetest, most lovable creature in the world.

It is impossible for me to properly describe how much I love my daughter.

The most wonderful thing in the world is my daughter, whom I love.

I have a funny story about the cherubic innocence of my daughter. The one that I love.

Hey, fuck you hippie. You and your America-hating compatriots are the reason this country is in mortal danger from insane Islamists who want to kill us all. You traitorous scum. You don't even realize how damn good you have it, because you've spent all your time in college getting hammered and having group sex. You want group sex? How about the gangraping that Saddam would be doing right now if we hadn't taken him out. But no, you'd rather have him in power, killing anyone he looks at and raping people. Fuck you. Fuck you. Universal peace? Fuck you. He was a psychotic madman who wanted to kill every single American. Swine like you don't deserve to live here, enjoying the same freedoms I enjoy, breathing the air I breathe. You don't deserve freedom. You deserve to be dropped naked in the Iraqi desert, forced to serve as a human shield for our courageous troops. A human shield, so bullets and shrapnel can rip through your flesh and tear apart your organs until your torso fills with bile and black blood until you drown, saving the life of a soldier. It would be the only patriotic thing you ever did in your life. But you know what? I'm not even angry at you. Instead, I feel sorry for you. Because thanks to your efforts to support those who hate freedom, someday a chemical weapon is going to be used in your hometown, and you're going to catch a big whiff of sarin, or VX, or mustard gas. On that day, your flesh will bubble up and your skin will be covered in sores that will itch and burn and bleed, and your throat will close, and you will gasp for breath and only inhale feces, because your legs will have stopped working and deposited you on the ground face first in a puddle of your own voided bowels and then when your friends the Islamofascists who have been wearing gasmasks just so they could watch up close come over to laugh at your twitching form, they will rip out your eyeballs and skullfuck you and as their acidic demon seed eats its way through what is left of your cerebellum your last concious thought will be shame and regretatbeingagoddamndemocratvoting- peacelovingmotherfuckinghippieprickandyouwillbegforgivenessfrom- agodwhonolongercaresbecauseyouopposedgeorgebushandwantedhimtolose- thewaronterrorandyouwillburninhellforeverandeverfuckyoufuckyoufuckyoudiefuckyoufuck.

Today, Gnat learned that peanutbutter is not an effective substitute for videocassettes, at least not as far as VCRs are concerned. I really love her.

Mickey Kaus:

Shriller and shriller: What question does this answer?

1) What is a literary critic's judgement of Paul Krugman's writing style?

2) What is a description of Hillary Clinton's voice as she demands Bill finish his overhyped memoirs before the election so that talk of "Hillary 2008" isn't overshadowed in the immediate wake of a Kerry loss?

3) How does the electoral train bearing down on beleaguered Democrats afraid of change sound?

If you answered 4) all of the above, you win the prize! [What prize is that? --ed] You'd love to know, wouldn't you?

I am smarter than Juan Cole: It's difficult to come away from this post thinking anything else. How shrill do you have to be to deny your own shrillness? This is, ultimately, the Democratic paradox - they cannot help but be shrill even during their bouts of being upset about being called shrill, which of course leads to more shrillness, and, as shrillness tends to do, shrillness begets shrillness, and eventually you wind up with John Kerry.

So where's my royalty check?: Several kf readers have noted recently how few homeless people they see when walking through metropolitan areas. I've noticed this too. It seems pretty obvious that tougher welfare laws have convinced most of these people to find jobs, although I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for liberal Dems to admit it. I guess Clinton's welfare reform did do what it was supposed to do!

P.S. Faithful kf readers will note that I am the reason welfare reform became a winning issue for Democrats.

Boobie Trap: Beyond my initial reaction of "Nice rack!" upon seeing the picture of John Kerry's daughter's transparent dress at the Cannes film festival, it occurs to me that this kind of thing perfectly illustrates my main critique of Democrats. In attempting to shock people jaded by years of political claptrap so as to convince them that Bush is "bad for the country", they show a disturbing lack of character by disrespecting average people's basic values and shunning what can only be called common decency. What's left, then, is a thin gloss of transparent fabrications, attempting (but failing) to cover an average boob named Kerry.

Beyond even that, for a candidate flaunting the sex-stained mantle of the Democratic Party to have his daughter walk around naked is foolish beyond belief, to the point where you have to wonder how sane Kerry really is. [Wait, so you mean you want us to believe that the fashion sense of Kerry's daughter should convince us that he is unfit to be President, but your constant pandering to Glenn Reynolds, your incessant criticism of Democrats, and your comparitive lack of criticism directed at the Right should not convince us that you're a worthless Rightwing kiss-ass? --ed] Yes.

And the winner is: the winner of the kf motto non-contest contest held last week is Marlon Johnson of Orange County with his entry, "John Kerry is a pile of shit with fake hair." I'm trying to convince the web design guys to add it to Slate's main page kf teaser, so be patient. In the meantime, Marlon gets a free - [What? What exactly does he get for having the motor skills necessary to type that clever bit of genius and send it to you? --ed] Ooh! Getting a little feisty there, eh? Must be from hanging around with too many Democrats! [That's pretty clever too, jackass. However would your instant witticisms be properly relayed to the masses were it not for the power of blogs! Idiot. --ed] Hey, what the hell... [And while I'm at it, does it ever occur to you that, as a rhetorical device, I'm getting pretty weak? --ed] What? Nonsense. You are fresh and hip. kf readers agree by an overwhelming margin! [Are you kidding me? I'm so pathetic, other rhetorical devices mock me. Polysyndeton calls me a pussy. Synecdoche spits at me whenever I walk by --ed] Quit whining. My writing's fine. [Hey, fuck you. You didn't get your ass kicked by alliteration. Alliteration! Do you know how humiliating that is? --ed] Huh? [What are you, deaf? Alliteration beat the shit out of me! The dweebiest device dropkicked my derriere! DO YOU SEE HOW FUCKING LAME THAT IS?--ed] I always thought alliteration was kind of neat. Wait, this sounds like a job for the blogs! Glenn, what do you think? kf readers await your opinion! [You are such a cocksucker. --ed]


It is with great sorrow and trepidation that I write these words, but conscience forces honesty, even when it turns against one's own party. George Bush has turned what was a brilliant, courageous plan into a disaster. His utter incompetence, his arrogance, and his refusal to admit error have led this country into an impossible situation which will take decades to remedy. Beyond that, by bungling the war in Iraq, he has given Islamists hope, hope that they can defeat the United States after all. This will inevitably have horrendous consequences, both in the US and abroad, as terrorism spreads and Islamist governments cement their hold on power.

Unfortunately, the only alternative to Bush is Kerry, and I cannot in good conscience support him. After all, let us not forget that the man who I think might be John Kerry's Secretary of State has said some things which lead me to believe he might point our country in the wrong direction, and future generations would rightly condemn us for allowing such a thing to transpire.

I am, after all, a man of principle.

Steven DenBeste:

(4,000 words which display a broad range of knowledge spanning a number of subjects, combined with smart analysis and interesting insights, leading up to-)

It is then impossible to escape the conclusion that we must invoke NATO's Article V and conduct a global war against France.

(Sound of thousands of readers interested by preceding technical discussion simultaneously going "Wait- what the fuck?")

[Oh shit! It's assonance, and it's got a bat! Mickey, help me, you hack motherfu- *CRACK!*

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