Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Fuck The First Amendment, Time To Outlaw PETA

Walking down the street the other day, I happened to see an older fellow cross to the other side of the street before he got to the corner. Just before he made it to the other side, he was blindsided by a dumptruck.

I immediately ran over to him, and took him in my arms, unsure whether or not he would survive the next few minutes.

"You fucking idiot!" I screamed, "You jaywalking son of a bitch! You got what you deserved! The street is for cars, moron, not people! I hope this teaches you your fucking lesson!"

Ho ho. Notice my fine grasp of ethics and basic human decency.

Perhaps I should join PETA, to be with others who share my principled view of the world.

From a letter faxed by PETA to the hospital room of Roy Horn, recent victim of a severe mauling by one of his tigers:
"Perhaps Friday’s frightening incident will make you realize that a brightly lit stage with pounding music and a screaming audience is not the natural habitat for tigers, lions, or any other exotic animals. The only natural thing that happened on that stage was that this majestic animal lashed out against a captor who was beating him with a microphone because he wouldn’t do a trick. No matter how much you say that you love the wild animals whom you have confined continents away from their natural homes, you are still the men who have subjugated their wills and natures to further your own careers. "
For those who didn't catch it the first time, this was faxed to Horn's hospital room. You know, the one in which he is currently fighting for his life, because he lost so much blood he had a stroke.
"You are now in a unique position to show the world both that you have lived and learned and that you have true respect for animals by leaving them some shred of the life that nature intended."
If you don't die, you filthy bastard.

As I have mentioned before, PETA can go fuck itself. You lousy jackasses make the rest of us liberals look bad.

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