Press Conference Transcript

Bush: We captured a bad Al Qaeda man. Time is running out on Saddam Hussein. The UN Security Council should do what we want it to do or they do not matter and will be disbanded. Saddam is lying. Saddam is a terrorist. Saddam is a terrorist. And Saddam is a terrorist. We must start a war to defend peace.

Reporter: So when do you think war will begin?

Bush: Saddam is bad. I do not want to go to war. But Saddam is a terrorist. I must defend America from terrorists.

Reporter: Are you resigned to the fact that North Korea will be a nuclear power very very soon?

Bush: Eh, it's a regional problem. By regional I mean that everyone else in the region should deal with the problem, and not us. Bill Clinton's policy of dealing North Korea worked until I fucked it up, and so we must convince our allies to deal with North Korea for us. It is very important that we deal with North Korea in a way that is completely opposite the way in which we are dealing with Iraq, because we trust Kim Jong Il more than we trust Saddam Hussein, who is a terrorist.

Reporter: What about all the peace protestors around the world? Why do you think they disagree with you?

Bush: I love freedom of speech. It is the a very important part of America. So why don't the people who disagree with me go the hell to Iraq, where there is no freedom of speech? Saddam is, after all, a terrorist.

Reporter: What do you see the aftermath of the war being like?

Bush: We are confident that after we attack a sovereign middle eastern Islamic nation that citizens throughout the Muslim world will pour out into the streets in spontaneous demonstrations of love for us and our people and will peacefully proceed to form secular democratic states.

Reporters: [tame, gutless questions]

Bush: [Blah blah, repeating things you've heard over and over again] And Saddam is a terrorist.

Nation: Fuck this. [collective channel change to Happy Days on TV Land]

Edit: In light of recent information, I should change that "tame, gutless questions" to "tame, gutless, scripted" questions.

Fuck the press corps.

Update: It has been suggested by one of my friends that this bit is unfunny, unoriginal, boring, vaguely depressing, and only occasionally even marginally clever. I agree. And that means that I have captured the spirit of the President's press conference perfectly.