Woe Unto Those That Condemn Rush Limbaugh
~ For I too have felt the steely grip of vice ~
Some people are addicted to sex.
Some people are addicted to illegal drugs.
Some people are addicted to massive quantities of prescription painkillers.
These people have it easy, compared to me.
I am addicted to Madden 2004 for the XBox.
A few of you have perhaps wondered why it is that posting here at VVH has been scant for the last month - or more accurately, since the Nicotrol post that garnered 16,000 hits over the course of a week and a half and momentarily made me a much more popular blogger than my efforts here usually merit.
Why, Christian, why would you not capitalize on this opportunity to massively increase your readership by at least posting a few tidbits to keep some of those new visitors coming back?
The answer is simple: as an addict, all of my free time (and some of my not-so-free time) has been devoted to satisfying my craving.
To be clear, I would be addicted to this game regardless of the actual progress of the real football season. However, the progress of my favorite football program has driven me further and further into the dreamworld that my faithful XBox creates for me at the press of a button.
Consider the following possibilities:
Kordell Stewart, a masterful QB, roaming in and out of the pocket, driving defenses crazy as he runs for the first down if the defenders cover the receivers too tightly, and passing for the first down if they break off to stop him.
Anthony Thomas, pro-bowler and regular season MVP, rushing for 1750 yards and gaining 300 yards worth of receptions.
David Terrell, master of the fly route, accelerating past defenders to catch for 1300 yards.
RW McQuarters, a cornerback that strikes fear into the hearts of quarterbacks everywhere, pulling in 13 interceptions, six of which he returns for touchdowns.
An offensive line featuring four (yes, four) pro-bowlers, ready to stomp all over puny defensive linemen and make linebackers cry for their mommas.
And the Bears, making it to the conference finals two years in a row only to lose in heartbreakers, favored to win the 2005 Superbowl.
All of these things are true when I turn my XBox on; when I turn it off, I return to reality - horrid, horrendous, excruciating reality.
Is it any wonder I choose Madden over blogging?
I thought not.
Anyway, I have a few ideas for increasing my posting here - we'll see if any of them work out, eh?
In the meantime, I have to go trade my worthless, can't-catch-jack-shit fullback for Mike Alstott.
Ahh, fantasy.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Brett Favre Should Be Fed To Aaron Gibson. And Then We Throw Aaron Gibson Off A Building
Ugliness. Shame.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers at home.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers at the home-opener.
But the fact that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers at the home-opener that also happened to be the first game in the new Soldier Field, and in front of a national audience on Monday night... that hurts.
When I first heard that the Bears had acquired Kordell Stewart, I was extremely excited. I know that he is one of the more maligned quarterbacks in the league, but it seems to me that that is because he's so damn talented that when he screws up, it seems a lot worse than when someone else screws up (see: the idiotic "is Brett Favre washed up?" theme that the sports media was throwing around after the Pack's opening loss).
I still like Kordell - a lot. He's easily the best QB Chicago has seen since...well, shit. Since as far back as I can remember. He's fast, he's athletic, he's got a hell of an arm. With the new start he's been given in Chicago, away from all the baggage he had with the Steelers, he should do well. On almost any other team, he would.
Unfortunately, he is on the Bears, and so is being protected by the worst offensive line in professional football.
He's shown flashes of brilliance, explosive running ability, and good throwing sense (you'll notice that almost every incomplete pass that wasn't dropped in the last two games was underthrown - a smart reaction to his multiple interceptions against San Francisco, as underthrown passes are much harder to intercept than overthrown passes).
But none of that means shit when the defense is able to roam the backfield virtually at will.
The same applies to Anthony Thomas. His performance in tonight's game should be enough to shut up his critics who keep harping on his lackluster performance last year. His two big runs showed that he has excellent agility and hardcore speed (on his first touchdown run, the nearest defender had a step or two on him, but Thomas accelerated right past him in the open field - absolutely burned him).
Unfortunately, Walter Payton himself would have had trouble running it straight up the middle (the running play Offensive Coordinator John Shoop is most fond of, regardless of the advisability of said running play on, say, 2nd and 13) if his offensive line was being pushed back two feet behind the line of scrimmage. You're supposed to get a forward push on a run - that's how gaps are created, gaps that your running back can run through and gain, you know, yards.
One of my greatest fears for this season is that Bears management will get it into its head that the Bears' lowly performance is due to poor play by Kordell and Thomas, and will get rid of either or both of them, thus resuming the cycle of futility we have experienced at those two positions for...well, shit. Since as far back as I can remember.
And speaking of Bears management, Jerry Angelo has been looking more and more brilliant for his decisions to
a) release veteran right tackle James Williams (twelve years with the team, knows the system, damn good lineman) and replace him with Horrendous Fatass Aaron Gibson
b) allow New England to outbid him for linebacker Roosevelt Colvin (most sacks last year and in 2001 - good compliment to Urlacher)
c) trade defensive tackle Ted Washington (paired with Keith Traylor, made running it up the middle virtually impossible for opposing teams, as well as keeping those unpleasant offensive linemen tied up, freeing Urlacher to do what he does best - beat the snot out of whoever has the ball) to New England in return for fuck all. Urlacher has been fighting off blocking linemen all season long, and offenses have taken advantage of the fact that he's tied up for a few crucial seconds. During the Vikings game, I saw O-linemen get to him untouched on several occasions, allowing a big run. Pathetic.
Jerry Angelo, Genius of Our Time.
Bonus Jerry Angelo: As Gregg Easterbrook pointed out a few weeks ago, Ted Washington was one of Coach Jauron's favorite guys, which means that the decision to trade him was almost certainly made over his objection, which in turn means that, once again, management is in conflict with the coaching staff. Hot damn! And down the toilet we go...
Tommorrow, I get to the offensive line. If I haven't had a stroke by then, of course.
Ugliness. Shame.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers at home.
It's bad enough that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers at the home-opener.
But the fact that tonight's game was a pummeling at the hands of the Packers at the home-opener that also happened to be the first game in the new Soldier Field, and in front of a national audience on Monday night... that hurts.
When I first heard that the Bears had acquired Kordell Stewart, I was extremely excited. I know that he is one of the more maligned quarterbacks in the league, but it seems to me that that is because he's so damn talented that when he screws up, it seems a lot worse than when someone else screws up (see: the idiotic "is Brett Favre washed up?" theme that the sports media was throwing around after the Pack's opening loss).
I still like Kordell - a lot. He's easily the best QB Chicago has seen since...well, shit. Since as far back as I can remember. He's fast, he's athletic, he's got a hell of an arm. With the new start he's been given in Chicago, away from all the baggage he had with the Steelers, he should do well. On almost any other team, he would.
Unfortunately, he is on the Bears, and so is being protected by the worst offensive line in professional football.
He's shown flashes of brilliance, explosive running ability, and good throwing sense (you'll notice that almost every incomplete pass that wasn't dropped in the last two games was underthrown - a smart reaction to his multiple interceptions against San Francisco, as underthrown passes are much harder to intercept than overthrown passes).
But none of that means shit when the defense is able to roam the backfield virtually at will.
The same applies to Anthony Thomas. His performance in tonight's game should be enough to shut up his critics who keep harping on his lackluster performance last year. His two big runs showed that he has excellent agility and hardcore speed (on his first touchdown run, the nearest defender had a step or two on him, but Thomas accelerated right past him in the open field - absolutely burned him).
Unfortunately, Walter Payton himself would have had trouble running it straight up the middle (the running play Offensive Coordinator John Shoop is most fond of, regardless of the advisability of said running play on, say, 2nd and 13) if his offensive line was being pushed back two feet behind the line of scrimmage. You're supposed to get a forward push on a run - that's how gaps are created, gaps that your running back can run through and gain, you know, yards.
One of my greatest fears for this season is that Bears management will get it into its head that the Bears' lowly performance is due to poor play by Kordell and Thomas, and will get rid of either or both of them, thus resuming the cycle of futility we have experienced at those two positions for...well, shit. Since as far back as I can remember.
And speaking of Bears management, Jerry Angelo has been looking more and more brilliant for his decisions to
a) release veteran right tackle James Williams (twelve years with the team, knows the system, damn good lineman) and replace him with Horrendous Fatass Aaron Gibson
b) allow New England to outbid him for linebacker Roosevelt Colvin (most sacks last year and in 2001 - good compliment to Urlacher)
c) trade defensive tackle Ted Washington (paired with Keith Traylor, made running it up the middle virtually impossible for opposing teams, as well as keeping those unpleasant offensive linemen tied up, freeing Urlacher to do what he does best - beat the snot out of whoever has the ball) to New England in return for fuck all. Urlacher has been fighting off blocking linemen all season long, and offenses have taken advantage of the fact that he's tied up for a few crucial seconds. During the Vikings game, I saw O-linemen get to him untouched on several occasions, allowing a big run. Pathetic.
Jerry Angelo, Genius of Our Time.
Bonus Jerry Angelo: As Gregg Easterbrook pointed out a few weeks ago, Ted Washington was one of Coach Jauron's favorite guys, which means that the decision to trade him was almost certainly made over his objection, which in turn means that, once again, management is in conflict with the coaching staff. Hot damn! And down the toilet we go...
Tommorrow, I get to the offensive line. If I haven't had a stroke by then, of course.
Monday, September 29, 2003
TMRM Returns
Tonight's the night.
Bears vs. Packers at Soldier Field. Kickoff at 9:00 pm EDT.
Game commentary (and then regular commentary/mockery/nonsense) after the game.
Until then, Bears vs. Packers bullet point (singular, as there is one specific thing that makes me want to tear my hair out and set myself on fire):
Edit: I was wrong. Gibson does not weigh 375 after losing 30-60 pounds. He weighs 375 after losing 70 pounds. Fucking hell. Are there any slow-moving sideline reporters that have gone missing recently? Because I think I know who we should X-ray in order to find them.
Tonight's the night.
Bears vs. Packers at Soldier Field. Kickoff at 9:00 pm EDT.
Game commentary (and then regular commentary/mockery/nonsense) after the game.
Until then, Bears vs. Packers bullet point (singular, as there is one specific thing that makes me want to tear my hair out and set myself on fire):
- Watch Bears right tackle Aaron Gibson. What do you notice? For one, he is fat. Incredibly fat. As in, never-stand-in-his-shadow-because-he-could-have-a-heart-attack-and-fall-on-you fat. But hey, he's an offensive lineman- he's supposed to be huge. Unfortunately, it appears that his fighting weight of 375 (reached after dieting and losing 30-60 pounds) is a bit too much for him to handle. Watch his stance on the line. It's subtly different on run plays from his stance on pass plays. I'm assuming that this is because his girth prevents him from properly performing both kinds of block from a single stance. But really, the reason doesn't matter. The point is, HIS STANCE ON RUN PLAYS AND PASSING PLAYS IS NOT THE SAME. The Bears' head coach might as well hold a neon sign above his head on every down informing the defense whether they should expect the run or the pass.
Hopefully, after two weeks of watching game film, the coaching staff realized this problem and took appropriate steps (my favored solution is running a light scrimmage, and hitting Gibson with a baseball bat every time the defense can tell what kind of play is about to be run). If not, enjoy the sight of Kordell Stewart doing his damnedest to not be killed, because if the first two games are any indication, there will be an average of two defenders in the backfield within a second of the snap on virtually every play.
Edit: I was wrong. Gibson does not weigh 375 after losing 30-60 pounds. He weighs 375 after losing 70 pounds. Fucking hell. Are there any slow-moving sideline reporters that have gone missing recently? Because I think I know who we should X-ray in order to find them.
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